Saturday, 17 December 2016

Day Inside My Head

There he is... I see him, smiling weirdly. I glue my eyes to my phone in a successful attempt for him to not talk to me. The anxiety builds and blows when he is out of sight. Panic attack. My breathing is shallow and fast, with my heart's racing faster than cars speeding down the road. I feel the chill of cold sweat running down my back. I put an empowering song on in hopes of getting through this single moment.

But, the song is far from helpful. As I get on the bus to my dance class, and sit down in the cold, comfy leather seat of the coach bus, I can feel my mind not getting any rest. Conflicting thoughts of emotion and logic fighting between each other, clawing at each other like cats in a fight, nothing seems to drown out the screaming in my head.

As the bus starts and we roll out of Glenrothes after a short while, there's something vague running along the bus. This is all too familiar. The creepy boy with a brick in his hand is chasing the bus next to my window. The dread settles in. The fire of anxiety rises again. The battle in my head becomes unbearable. Help me, help me. Someone help me. I'm begging to die in my head. My eyes dart around the bus, making sure that no one is watching me. My breathing is fast again, the beating of my heart is quickening and in unable to stop thinking about that brick flying into my head. I need to get out. But, being in the middle of nowhere, there's no escape.

Dissociation, higher than ever. I remember nothing from dancing. I remember nothing from therapy sessions. I remember nothing from talking to friends. Hell, I don't even know where I am right now. Memories are fragmented. My personality is a mess. dissociation, when will I see the last of you?

Dear anxiety, dear PTSD hallucinations, please leave me alone. I want one day to be free. Leave me be. I'm begging, please, just one day.
I'm sick of battles in my head, I need to escape. While in not giving up yet, my mind runs off into wonder: how long can I possibly take this?

I need time. I need peace. I need quietness in my head. Not the roaring thoughts that never end. Not the fears. Not my anxiety about seeing things that cause mortal danger. Not my mood dysregulation.

Another late night. Sleep does not befall my eyes until early hours of the morning. Nightmares, I need rest. Not to wake up to nightmares, cold sweats, strongly beating heart and restless nights.
Watching my dark ceiling I know, it's not forever. But, questions arise. "Are you sure", "What if it is forever" and "You're doomed to this forever"

I question if I should eat that thing beside me. I don't know if I should be eating anything at all. Punish myself for the things going on in my head, while covering it up with IBS issues.
"I'll feel ill. Best not to eat that" is my mind's way of saying" Don't eat. You can't deal with me any other way" and "Don't eat. You're a horrible person for eating more than what you usually eat"

Endless battles, endless struggles, endless pain and endless strain. One day, I beg, just one day, of peace, quiet and joy.  No fear. No anxiety. No distress. No intense emotions. No chaos of conflicting thoughts in my head. Just one day. Or just one hour, that will be more than enough.

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