Thursday, 22 December 2016

Season of Joyless Emptiness

It's this time of year again, and every year is the same. This time of year never changes direction, only a few things change quietly and return to their original form only a few days or hours into Christmas time.

Stuck in patterns of destruction, there is something that does bring joy... Giving. People point out in too kind and too generous. But.... Having not had that kindness or compassion or generosity growing up, I now try to make people as happy as I can. It doesn't feel excessive or like it's too much. It brings me much needed real joy, and not superficial, empty joy that does not fulfill my heart's and my mind's craving for one day without any sort of mental health problems.

The story of how I got to living through another year and making it through the terrifying twists and turns is long and hard to tell without crying, flipping out of of hearing the term NHS, crying again, wanting to punch walls out of relentless emotional drain, crying again, and throwing my hopes and dreams away at the first sight of failure. Not to mention all that nagging shame and guilt because of the tiniest of mistakes.

Being in a prisoner of my own head, at mercy of the little things turning into crisis, it's an exhaustively destructive life. While things have been getting better steadily, this time of year... Is heavy going. So much has happened at this time of year throughout life that joy and looking forward to it just doesn't happen anymore.

I wonder what 2017 will be like. That, is the only hope dragging me along through Christmas and New Year.

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