Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Cutting Ties - What it Means for Me

So, I've cut some ties and someone cut theirs with me. It's been a struggle this week just to process why a friend had cut ties with me, because it is rather unbelievable. I've not fully processed it yet.

An ex-friend of mine has cut ties with me. But after reading her final message, it became clear that she used the friendship we've had as a way to make her feel like she was helping someone. Basically, all the times I've been severely suicidal, self harming, struggling with eating disorder like issues and hospitalisations became an opportunity for her to feel like she helped someone. So, in the most basic sense, she used my most vulnerable times for her own personal gain. That was hard to process for a few days, as I never expected for a friend to tell me that she's been using whatever volatile and vulnerabe times I've had in the last two years for personal gain and nothing else.

And I gave up on a friendship and blocked a person on Facebook because.... This friendship was something that kept me rooted in the church I left last December. I've realised obey the last few days that this root that kept me planted in that church was the person I was friends with.

Being free of those two friendships is freeing me from something else. Constant MLM essential oil advertising. DõTERRA, and Young Living, market problematic essential oils uses. Some which are actually against any regulations put forward by any holistic or aromatherapy institute. Like the use of oils internally without clinical aromatherapist supervision, which is only to be used short term and not casually like dT And YL promote. Another practice is using essential oils neatly, as this increases risk for sensitisation (allergy) further down the line. DT and YL practice of Aromatouch And Raindrop Therapy are also dangerous, as it is using a lot of oils (a few of them being hot oils) undiluted on the skin. If an aromatherapist uses these, they cannot be registered with ANY aromatherapy or holistic practice council or association, due to the danger of the practice. All of this information is online through multiple sources, such as NAHA, AIA and ATC.

Having these friends, who are dT distributors, tell people about these unsafe practices is another reason for unfriending and blocking them. I didn't want to put up with the unsafe suggestion of how people should use oils, as one wouldn't speak to me after having this discussion. There's a lot of debate about essential oils use, however, reputable sources in the area of essential oils have come out against ingesting oils and using essential oils neat (undiluted) on the skin, including Robert Tisserand.

But, coming back to the topic of friends and the incident with my friend I mentioned at the beginning. What implications will it have on me?

Well, I will struggle to trust people. A lot. This is a big blow to how I see people and my friends. And I am likely to hide things from people because I don't be able to trust them. I will struggle to tell them about what is going on, as I'll be worried that their support is only because of their selfish gains from supporting me. I'm scared of sharing things with my therapist. This situation screwed my mind up again.
And to believe my friend is/was a counsellor.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Who I Am vs Who I Was - Truth About My Real Self

So, this past month marked two major milestones. The second is will be surprising to many, but wasn't too my mother, which was the biggest surprise ever.

I no longer meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. This is a huge milestone in my recovery, so much so that in going back to college as an infill student to do my Maths and English National 5s to go into a traditional university. I'm looking forward to the twists and turns that life will throw at me.

Another milestone is that I came out to my mother and a friend of mine. I am pansexual. I always have been. Ever since I can remember. But, life as a Christian meant I had to suppress that part of me and outright reject it. To the point where I was spouting some really offensive things at college (when asked) about how Christianity sees LGBT+.
I had to suppress that part of me as God knows what could have happened, especially with some very devout Christians who wanted me to quit therapy due to mindfulness being utilised and to stop listening to Christian Rock.
So, I tried to keep it under wraps and tried to get rid of it. Thing is, you can't. I can't.
I'm the way I am, and that won't change. No, this isn't mental illness. No, I'm not possessed by demons. No, I'm not making it up. I am who I am.

One of the reasons why I wear whole spectrum loom bands and include pink in them is because I have respect for Christianity and how it sees people like me. It's okay to believe what your believe. And, what we as gay/lesbian/bi/transgender/pansexual etc ask for its respect. You don't have to agree with our sexuality, and, all we ask for respect and acceptance. See us as the friends, family work colleagues and acquaintances that we are. As individuals with our own set of unique personalities, successes, problems, failures and experiences. We are more than just our sexuality. That is part of who we are, but not all of who we are.

And I am more than my sexuality. Here's who I am now:
Sensitive (but not easily offended)
Highly emotional (but not emotionally dysregulated)
Encouraging (at least as much as possible)
Science orientated
Enjoying life
Slightly self critical
Protective of friends and family

Here's who I was when I was a Christian:
Upset easily
Always hiding myself
Always wanted to blend in
Submissive (I'd do everything just to keep friends)
Sensitive (and easily offended)
Believed everything in the Bible, and followed it blindly without questioning
Self Harming
Emotionally dysregulated
Scared of being abandoned and clung onto toxic relationships
Afraid to speak my mind and stand up for myself
Hiding how I felt for the fear of people telling me off for it

Do you see how different I am? It's not just because I'm no longer a Christian, but also through therapy and learning how to regulate my emotions and learning to be my authentic self, and rocking who I am with confidence. I am no longer obsessed with keeping toxic relationships going, but cutting ties with confidence and being able to separate myself from toxic and malfunctioning or dead relationships. I have power to follow my own destiny, and not the Bible's and people's "advice" on how my life should be. I stand up for myself and my rights, and for others rights.

I am completely different to who I used to be, and I've changed for the better, not worse. I now feel confident enough to come out to say that I'm pansexual, and I don't feel scared of the implications anymore, because I have nothing to be afraid of.