tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22398325177680543262024-03-13T04:48:49.035+00:00Me, In My Borderline WorldNutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-67425498363129542332017-09-08T23:55:00.001+01:002017-09-08T23:56:03.296+01:00When Eating Problem Treatment Becomes an Eating Contest.... <p dir="ltr">So, I've had struggles with my eating for as long as I can remember. There's always something that triggers habits of binge/restrict cycle. Only this year.... Things have really taken off on that front. Especially the restricting side of things. Eating little or nothing at all for a month. And then... Binge cycle. Feel bad about the binge. Restrict. Rinse. Repeat. <br>
The biggest challenge in front of me now is treatment. Therapy is beginning to feel a whole lot more like an eating contest. "Is this enough" is a reoccurring thought that never seems to go away and gets worse after every session. It feels like huge pressure to eat, not for myself, but what the therapist and others want. It's nothing but pressure to eat, and Ka-Pow! Binge. Why is it that therapy needs to feel like an eating contest? I'm not here to set an eating record. This isn't about food itself. It's the emotions, it's the memories, and action urges behind what's going on. Food itself plays a part of obsessions and compulsions that lead to what's going on. It is not, however, a challenge of "is this enough for you?" <br>
There needs to be a radical change in how people with eating disorders and disordered eating are seen. We can't just start eating as people want us to, and we can't force ourselves to eat healthy or anything at all, or stop binging just because either want it. I bought food to binge on today. Not to try it for the sake of trying to see if it is something I'd like, but because intense binging urges took over and couldn't help it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">A radical part of change here is encouraging us to take small steps towards recovery, not beat us over the head with the message that we have to eat. While it is important for us to be reminded of it, it isn't eight to heat us over the head with the message, as it just leads to shame and guilt, as well as inevitable binging or even more intense restricting. A lot of professionals seem to lose the sight of us being human and not just a list of symptoms that have to be treated. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-16402492342169533352017-08-02T22:10:00.001+01:002017-09-09T09:44:34.094+01:00An open letter to the BPS and its membersDear BPS, and all BPS members,<br />
<br />
While I only have been a student member since the beginning of January, I cannot be any more honoured to be a part of it.<br />
<br />
As a first (nearly second) year Psychology with Counselling student with the OU, my short (and continuing time) as a student member has been a real blessing. The BPS have made me feel more welcome, and my opinion more appreciated, than any other organisation I have been part of.<br />
<br />
The BPS conference, as well the recent Structure Review, have helped me to see that I am valued by people. And while accepting that is, at times, difficult due to the kind of past and mental health issues I have, the BPS members have welcomed me more than some other people in my life in the past. The conference was my first major public event since I started having mental health issues, and to feel so welcomed and accepted was a big surprise. And during the times like this when my past is haunting me like a horror movie demon, the memories I've made with all of you at the conference brighten the darkness for at least a little while (also talking to you, the man who fist bumped at my table during the dinner speech, I still can't stop laughing about it!).<br />
The whole experience of the BPS has been nothing short of amazing, and it encourages me even more to pursue a career in psychology, as I wanted to since my mental health issues begun.<br />
<br />
To be a member of this organisation of members who made me feel like my opinion is valid and that people actually care about what I have to say is an out of this world experience to a person like me, whose opinions and feelings were discarded like rubbish or put down at every possible occasion.<br />
Psychology fascinates me on so many levels, and I love reading actual research papers (because articles and headlines on psychology or any scientific research can be out of this world inaccurate!) and reading about therapies, terminology, exploring topics I never dreamed of exploring for myself in the past (artsy person here!) and becoming motivated on every step to do more to alleviate psychological suffering of others in the future by, eventually, becoming a counselling psychologist. A long way to go yet, but positive experiences of both studying psychology and being a BPS member have helped me to see myself in a much more compassionate way.<br />
<br />
Thank you to all BPS members who have made these past few months so positive in midst of my mental heath chaos, and thank you for helping me feel like I finally belong somewhere.<br />
<br />
NatNutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-21234624667444485652017-03-22T23:47:00.001+00:002017-03-25T07:06:06.548+00:00Cutting Ties - What it Means for Me<p dir="ltr">So, I've cut some ties and someone cut theirs with me. It's been a struggle this week just to process why a friend had cut ties with me, because it is rather unbelievable. I've not fully processed it yet. </p>
<p dir="ltr">An ex-friend of mine has cut ties with me. But after reading her final message, it became clear that she used the friendship we've had as a way to make her feel like she was helping someone. Basically, all the times I've been severely suicidal, self harming, struggling with eating disorder like issues and hospitalisations became an opportunity for her to feel like she helped someone. So, in the most basic sense, she used my most vulnerable times for her own personal gain. That was hard to process for a few days, as I never expected for a friend to tell me that she's been using whatever volatile and vulnerabe times I've had in the last two years for personal gain and nothing else. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And I gave up on a friendship and blocked a person on Facebook because.... This friendship was something that kept me rooted in the church I left last December. I've realised obey the last few days that this root that kept me planted in that church was the person I was friends with. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Being free of those two friendships is freeing me from something else. Constant MLM essential oil advertising. DõTERRA, and Young Living, market problematic essential oils uses. Some which are actually against any regulations put forward by any holistic or aromatherapy institute. Like the use of oils internally without clinical aromatherapist supervision, which is only to be used short term and not casually like dT And YL promote. Another practice is using essential oils neatly, as this increases risk for sensitisation (allergy) further down the line. DT and YL practice of Aromatouch And Raindrop Therapy are also dangerous, as it is using a lot of oils (a few of them being hot oils) undiluted on the skin. If an aromatherapist uses these, they cannot be registered with ANY aromatherapy or holistic practice council or association, due to the danger of the practice. All of this information is online through multiple sources, such as NAHA, AIA and ATC. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Having these friends, who are dT distributors, tell people about these unsafe practices is another reason for unfriending and blocking them. I didn't want to put up with the unsafe suggestion of how people should use oils, as one wouldn't speak to me after having this discussion. There's a lot of debate about essential oils use, however, reputable sources in the area of essential oils have come out against ingesting oils and using essential oils neat (undiluted) on the skin, including Robert Tisserand. </p>
<p dir="ltr">But, coming back to the topic of friends and the incident with my friend I mentioned at the beginning. What implications will it have on me?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, I will struggle to trust people. A lot. This is a big blow to how I see people and my friends. And I am likely to hide things from people because I don't be able to trust them. I will struggle to tell them about what is going on, as I'll be worried that their support is only because of their selfish gains from supporting me. I'm scared of sharing things with my therapist. This situation screwed my mind up again. <br>
And to believe my friend is/was a counsellor. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-43371128500338527022017-03-11T09:04:00.001+00:002017-03-11T17:13:11.247+00:00Who I Am vs Who I Was - Truth About My Real Self <p dir="ltr">So, this past month marked two major milestones. The second is will be surprising to many, but wasn't too my mother, which was the biggest surprise ever. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I no longer meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. This is a huge milestone in my recovery, so much so that in going back to college as an infill student to do my Maths and English National 5s to go into a traditional university. I'm looking forward to the twists and turns that life will throw at me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Another milestone is that I came out to my mother and a friend of mine. I am pansexual. I always have been. Ever since I can remember. But, life as a Christian meant I had to suppress that part of me and outright reject it. To the point where I was spouting some really offensive things at college (when asked) about how Christianity sees LGBT+. <br>
I had to suppress that part of me as God knows what could have happened, especially with some very devout Christians who wanted me to quit therapy due to mindfulness being utilised and to stop listening to Christian Rock. <br>
So, I tried to keep it under wraps and tried to get rid of it. Thing is, you can't. I can't. <br>
I'm the way I am, and that won't change. No, this isn't mental illness. No, I'm not possessed by demons. No, I'm not making it up. I am who I am. </p>
<p dir="ltr">One of the reasons why I wear whole spectrum loom bands and include pink in them is because I have respect for Christianity and how it sees people like me. It's okay to believe what your believe. And, what we as gay/lesbian/bi/transgender/pansexual etc ask for its respect. You don't have to agree with our sexuality, and, all we ask for respect and acceptance. See us as the friends, family work colleagues and acquaintances that we are. As individuals with our own set of unique personalities, successes, problems, failures and experiences. We are more than just our sexuality. That is part of who we are, but not all of who we are. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And I am more than my sexuality. Here's who I am now:<br>
Caring <br>
Loving <br>
Forgiving <br>
Weird <br>
Studious <br>
Compassionate <br>
Kind <br>
Sensitive (but not easily offended) <br>
Highly emotional (but not emotionally dysregulated) <br>
Encouraging (at least as much as possible) <br>
Strong<br>
Brave <br>
Confident <br>
Determined <br>
Adventurous <br>
Optimistic<br>
Loyal <br>
Accepting <br>
Science orientated <br>
Joyful <br>
Enjoying life <br>
Gentle <br>
Empathetic <br>
Slightly self critical <br>
Protective of friends and family </p>
<p dir="ltr">Here's who I was when I was a Christian:<br>
Scared <br>
Obsessive <br>
Shy <br>
Upset easily <br>
Anxious <br>
Paranoid<br>
Avoidant <br>
Always hiding myself<br>
Always wanted to blend in <br>
Angry <br>
Sad <br>
Submissive (I'd do everything just to keep friends) <br>
Sensitive (and easily offended) <br>
Tearful<br>
Believed everything in the Bible, and followed it blindly without questioning <br>
Self Harming<br>
Suicidal <br>
Emotionally dysregulated <br>
Scared of being abandoned and clung onto toxic relationships <br>
Afraid to speak my mind and stand up for myself <br>
Hiding how I felt for the fear of people telling me off for it </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do you see how different I am? It's not just because I'm no longer a Christian, but also through therapy and learning how to regulate my emotions and learning to be my authentic self, and rocking who I am with confidence. I am no longer obsessed with keeping toxic relationships going, but cutting ties with confidence and being able to separate myself from toxic and malfunctioning or dead relationships. I have power to follow my own destiny, and not the Bible's and people's "advice" on how my life should be. I stand up for myself and my rights, and for others rights. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am completely different to who I used to be, and I've changed for the better, not worse. I now feel confident enough to come out to say that I'm pansexual, and I don't feel scared of the implications anymore, because I have nothing to be afraid of. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-69042871727805765302017-02-03T13:26:00.001+00:002017-02-04T07:26:26.349+00:00Church Friendships and MLM/Pyramid Schemes - what's the connection? <p dir="ltr">You're probably reading this and thinking "there's no connection" or "What?!" </p>
<p dir="ltr">That's right, I'm talking about Churches and MLM /Pyramid Schemes. The connection between the two is bigger than you think. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Since I can't do a pyramid here, I'll do four lists. Three for church, as there's an important point that the second one will link to that I discuss later. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Example of MLM/Pyramid Scheme pyramid:<br>
DõTERRA pyramid:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Double Presidental Diamond <br>
Double Blue Diamond <br>
Double Diamond<br>
Presidental Diamond <br>
Blue Diamond <br>
Diamond <br>
Platinum <br>
Gold <br>
Silver <br>
Premier<br>
Elite<br>
Executive <br>
Director <br>
Manager <br>
Wellness Advocate </p>
<p dir="ltr">Typical Protestant Church leadership pyramid:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Pastors/Ministers<br>
Associate Ministers/Pastors <br>
Elders <br>
Deacons <br>
Church members<br>
Non church members </p>
<p dir="ltr">Church friendship hierarchy:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Pastor's or minister's friends <br>
Associate pastor's or minister's friends <br>
Elders friends <br>
Deacons friends <br>
Church members friends <br>
Non church members friends </p>
<p dir="ltr">MLM/Pyramid Schemes Church Friendship hierarchy I've experienced:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Pastor's friends: a clique and are the most important group in the church. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Associate pastor's friends: a clique that is below that, but has members in the elite group</p>
<p dir="ltr">Elders friends: a clique that is below that of associate pastor's friends, but still has people that are members of the elite and AP group. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Deacons friends: a clique that are below Elders, and may or may not be members of other cliques </p>
<p dir="ltr">Church members: a group of people who are generally friends with everyone else in the above groups, but aren't grouped as being part of their close friendship cliques.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Non church members: people who are new to the church, who may be oblivious to the cliques that are going on. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now that we have these pyramids/lists, let's talk about the fourth one in relation to the MLM at the top. Usually, with MLM/Pyramid Scheme pyramids, you have to DO certain things in order to level up. Sign people up, buy a required amount of products, present and do classes or meet ups, recruit some more.... And, if you watch the John Oliver segment on MLM on YouTube, you'll find out some hard truth about things regarding places like NuSkin, where 93% of all active distributors don't make any money from it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So, here is what happened in the church I was at that echoed the MLM/Pyramid Schemes in how these friendships worked. In order to "level up" in the friendship pyramid you, generally, had to:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Be a Christian or become a Christian </p>
<p dir="ltr">You have to be at a lot of events church puts on. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Teach as many people as possible about the Bible and bring in people to join the church (see how it's similar to MLM/Pyramid Scheme already?) </p>
<p dir="ltr">Have the time to come to as many extracurricular activities on the weekly basis. (I gave up on dance classes I am in now and love them). </p>
<p dir="ltr">Be friends on Facebook so that people can keep up with you, or sometimes, to pay things relating to God on your wall, or to track what you're saying on FB. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Stay as positive and God focused as possible. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And quite a few others. And as you move up through this Multilevel Marketing style friendship pyramid, you get showered with attention, love, care, and people actually notice if you aren't there. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now, if there's something that prevents this process from happening, such as:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Mental health problems </p>
<p dir="ltr">You just stop pursuing it </p>
<p dir="ltr">You quit a few activities in favour for something else </p>
<p dir="ltr">You begin to go back down the friendship ladder, you begin to not be spoken to, you begin to feel isolated and lonely, and in case of mental health problems, you go to extreme lengths to regain these friendships, even if you feel it triggers you. <br>
And even if you pick up the chase again, you might NEVER recover these close knit relationships you've had. And in my experience, you pursuing the close friendship again, people in lower or higher friendship ranks than you were might see you as being inappropriate. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So, the pyramid scheme church friendships exist. And they are dangerous to vulnerable people. For vulnerable people, these friendships (once they end or downgrade) can be damaging to a person's confidence, a person's sense of self, a person's sense of belonging, and have long term consequences on how people perceive themselves and relationships as a whole. This friendship pyramid scheme costed me my ability to cope with relationships with people, being able to be in a large group of people without panic attacks, nightmares, hallucinations, emotional regulation and it nearly costed me my therapy sessions if I followed through suggestions to quit from a few Christians. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This pyramid scheme/MLM friendship hierarchy is not what children should be taught. Children in such churches will learn that friendship is all about doing as many things as they can in order to be able to cling onto relationships desperately, rather than teaching them that if a friendship is becoming unhealthy, it might be best to leave it or work it out without pyramid scheming the whole thing. <br>
And the NuSkin 93% statistic is helpful to demonstrate the result of church friendship pyramid scheme, as I believe 93% of people in the pyramid race for friendship are nowhere near the cliques at the top of the pyramid, but many from that 93% of people want to be there. But the chase is hard and is so incredibly easy to lose. </p>
<p dir="ltr">There's my take on this issue, <u>and</u> it needs to END. Church shouldn't be all about trying to be friends in order to be supported without conditions. Instead, the support should be unconditional and available to all equally. NOT only to people in the cliques. And people in the bottom two may be ignored when in real need of help, because people in the cliques come first. And to the people in the cliques, it's not "first come, first served basis." it's in the order of how important you are to the clique.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">If church is like this, RUN. Run for the hills and don't look back. Your sanity will thank you later. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-55781517342584711312017-01-08T19:49:00.000+00:002017-01-31T16:19:51.278+00:00Dear Chloe's Bullies<p dir="ltr">This is an open, public letter to bullies of Chloe, a girl I have heard about through my friend sharing her friend's post with screen shots of the entire group chat.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Dear Leah Ingram, Emma Reed and Ryan Bailey,</p>
<p dir="ltr">Please, listen to what I have to say. Please, stop bullying Chloe. I want to share with you some of the things that are the result of being bullied for 14 years of my life, in an attempt to help you understand what could happen if it does not stop.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As a result of being bullied as a child and teenager, I have suffered with gallstones because of the anxiety brought on by bullying and harassment. One of the most painful physical illnesses you can possibly suffer from. It is like something trying to eat its way out out /of you, while simultaneously feels like something is tearing you up from within. Try doing exams while on Tramadol and still suffering from unbelievable physical pain. All brought on by bullying. While I had an operation to get my gallbladder removed, the physical complications persist to this day in form of IBS.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Another thing you could lead to is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is hell on earth. Try walking around the town and being afraid of seeing people that resemble your bullies  and your traumas. Try fearing your own shadow. This is no way to live. I live in fear 24/7. I live in fear that this shadowy creature running beside the bus is going to throw the brick it is holding and it actually being real and hitting me.<br>
C-PTSD is horrible. It is painful. </p>
<p dir="ltr">A bunch of different disorders this bullying can result in are personality disorders (especially Borderline PD, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy), anxiety disorders, as mentioned before C-PTSD, eating disorders and more. Eating disorders are NO joke. Being afraid of eating anything and putting on weight, or being afraid to eat things because you fear eating something new or different is horrible. It could lead to mood disorders.<br>
I wouldn't wish any personality disorder or any kind of mental health problem on anyone. Including you. This is how bad things are.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Anxiety disorders are terrible disorders to live with, And if this bullying keeps on happening, she might develop one to such a scale that she will be scared to leave her house.<br>
Bullying and mental illness are NO joke.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Please, stop telling her to commit suicide. You including that statistic of a person dying from suicide every 2 minutes and telling her to be six feet under is sick, despicable, and outright shocking.<br>
Imagine yourself being added to such a conversation. And people saying this kind of thing about you. Tell us, how would you feel? What would you do? What would you be thinking?<br>
These questions are important for you to answer honestly, and just yourself,</p>
<p dir="ltr">Through the experiences I have had of bullying, I no longer trust people. I no longer enjoy life without being scared of my own shadow. I no longer have confidence in myself to be able to do the things in life I want to do. Instead, I ponder upon quitting at every sight of failure, as I feel I am worthless and a beyond repair. While therapy has been helping me to deal with things more and starting to break out of that shell a bit, it is still there. I have PTSD reminders of my traumas every day in form of nightmares and and flashback/hallucinations. I continually battle with my own mind just to keep myself alive for one more day. And you do everything in your power to drive Chloe to her death? How can you?!<br>
Would you really do all of the things you've said if she committed suicide?<br>
How would you feel if she attempted suicide and was fighting for her life in hospital? And then, quite possibly, was transferred to a psychiatric unit. Psychiatric hospitals are scary. They are horrible. I begged my doctors to discharge me for the four times I was admitted for, as I was crying every single day because of what was going on around me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Listen to what I had to say. Listen to the dangers. Listen to the effects bullying has not just on myself, but on others.<br>
Please, stop bullying.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Yours sincerely<br>
Natalia</p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-13304514732347210502017-01-07T23:02:00.000+00:002017-01-07T23:02:13.907+00:00"Friend Request" Movie Review (spoilers)I thought I'd do something different and post a film review.<br />
<br />
So, Friend Request came out in April of last and that is when I went to see it. Since it was my first time ever seeing a horror film, I wasn't sure of what would happen or what to expect.<br />
<br />
I felt particularly triggered by a specific kill scene and had walked out of the film. I finished watching the rest on YouTube a few months later when it was posted on YouTube in Italian. I understand quite a bit of Italian, but not speak it, and went online to check up words every now and again.<br />
<br />
Here are my grading systems for films, if I review any more films in the future. The grading system is based on the percentage of how much I enjoyed or hated a film.<br />
0-10% = Hated it, wouldn't watch again<br />
11-20% = Hated it, but something's good about it.<br />
21-30% = Not particularly amazing, but some scenes are worth watching<br />
31-40% = Alright. but do not recommend it<br />
41-50% = Alright, and recommend watching it on YouTube<br />
51-60% = Good, but recommend getting it on DVD<br />
61-70% = Good, see it in the cinema with friends<br />
71-80% = Good, see it in cinema alone<br />
81-90% = Great, worth watching in cinema<br />
91-100% = Great, see it in cinema and buy it on DVD<br />
<br />
My rating for Friend Request would be 1%. This film is atrocious. The dialogue is inconsistent with how young people react to things. These are college students, and seemed to be in college for some time. Their dialogue is beyond horrendous.<br />
"Unfriend that dead bitch." Well done writers. Seriously, I applaud you. You have managed to create dialogue that is immature and outright horrific. A young woman has committed suicide, and is haunting the protagonist's profile, and you give someone a line of dialogue so immature that makes me want to throw my laptop at the wall.<br />
Even the most obnoxious of teenagers would not say this kind of thing.<br />
One of the detectives is the comic relief of this film... But this film has no space for that kind of thing. It is a serious film about a wide range of serious issues. If you are tackling online harassment, online stalking, demonic possession, online obsession, and mental illness in your film, do not include comic relief. It distracts from tension built up (if there is any, and this film only had the tension in the first kill sequence. The rest were expected.) and distracts from the seriousness of the topic being addressed.<br />
<br />
And the way this film tackles mental health issues and stigmatises people with mental health.... Ugh, Sigh. I am not sure of what to say here. The character of Marina Nedifar (Ma Rina, Marina Mills) has Trichotillomania, or the hair pulling disorder. Which is an anxiety disorder. Among other things which are potentially there, such as BPD, some signs of depression and some signs of PTSD (as we find out, she does not have the loveliest of pasts), it stigmatises people with mental health issues because of portraying Ma Rina as this crazy, obsessive, creepy stalker and even Laura's friends think she's crazy. Considering that at least 90 percent of them are studying to be psychologists (like myself), they are horrifyingly judgemental of this new girl in class who becomes so attached to Laura.<br />
<br />
To be honest, by the end of the film, the audience starts to root for Ma Rina to kill all of them because Laura's friends are just such terrible people. I was rooting for Ma Rina to have her revenge by the end of the film. Laura's boyfriend is extremely possessive, Kobe is attempts to kill Laura in an attempt to keep himself alive (which is never explained, was he possessed?), Isabelle has a huge, inflated ego, Olivia's "unfriend that dead bitch" line indicated her attitude to everything.... And Gus isn't on screen long enough for the audience to care about him. Even Laura becomes insufferable by the end of the film because some of her actions do not make sense. Why not show the cops that you are not posting the videos? Why not talk to people who have been deleting you face to face to show them you're not posting the videos? Why does Laura not show the same thing to the school principle? Why does Laura not smash the laptop she committed suicide in front of, but looks into it? Why does Laura not give information to the cops about what she and Kobe find out? Pretty sure that this information could be useful into the investigation of Ma Rina's suicide.<br />
And regarding other characters actions.... Why is Laura's boyfriend so possessive? His questions about her and Kobe hanging out are so out of place in the script. She;s going though a really tough time with Ma Rina posting things to her Facebook from beyond the grave, Ma Rina's suicide.... And he asks this? You've got to be kidding.<br />
And the cops dialogue in the film is horrendous. Their actions are unrealistic. Their actions and words are not logical. And one of them is proper comic relief, as mentioned previously.<br />
<br />
The lighting in this film sometimes feels slightly overexposed or under exposed. In the scene where Laura and Ma Rina walk to uni, the scene feels slightly overexposed. And some indoor scenes feel underexposes. Like the bedroom scene where Laura and her boyfriend look at Gus's memorial page. Sure, it's a horror film. But, it's sunny outside! Where is the sunlight that would naturally brighten the room up? I know that it is to continue the creepy and sad atmosphere, but the underexposure of the shot, and many others, is horrendous. Also in that same bedroom shot, you can see a boom mic at the top of the shot. No director would let a boom mic be anywhere in the shot, or at least disguise it somewhat.<br />
Overall, the lighting feels hilariously unrealistic to what it would be like if this film was going to be happening in real life. No one sits in a barely lit room without turning some form of lighting on. Budget constraints....<br />
<br />
The direction of the film is terrible as well. Some shots look so bad. And most of all, we don't see Ma Rina when killings start. The costume in behind the scenes stuff was so good. Why isn't it incorporated into the film more to let us see it at all? I would love to have seen her in costume, rather than just her creepy face twice or so.<br />
The direction of what characters are supposed to be doing is really poor as well, as the actions of characters are unrealistic. Especially with people who are unfriending Laura. Not everyone would delete her. Family members definitely wouldn't, people who don't use Facebook often wouldn't even know what's happening, etc. How is her friend count absolutely zero at the end of the film? Did Ma Rina do this? What's with the Matrix code?<br />Too many questions left unanswered. I didn't care about the main character at all. That maybe because of the silly montage, showing her life. There is nothing interesting about this montage, and it fades out into pointless scenes and then go back into the montage... What....<br />Another thing about direction is after the first kill sequence, it fades to white. That fade to white is pointless, and looks like something that could easily be done in After Effects. Heck, one could do it in Movie Maker if they wanted to with little effort. It was just a cheap transition. Another cheap transition is from the montage, from the sunset cover picture into the same sunset with Laura running. That felt a bit out of place, even though it is an interesting transition.<br />
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Another problem with this film is the very unrealistic way that these kill sequences happen. Characters hallucinate in order to end their lives because of the witchy symbols that are the same symbols as the Matrix code stuff. There is no way that symbols could make you hallucinate, not to mention the symbols apparently transmuting chemicals to make one hallucinate. It is extremely unrealistic and a little bit stupid. Please, someone tell me, why do the symbols make you hallucinate? Why do they move?<br />
<br />Overall, the film is really bad. There's nothing redeemable about it, other than Alycia Debnam-Carey's performance. I kind of liked Liesl Ahlers performance of Marina, as I thought that she acted her part of shy, reclusive, too attached friend. And when Marina end her life, which starts the curse, this is where her character motivations become certifiably insane.<br />
<br />Hope you've enjoyed this review. I might do a few more if I get a chance to see any films this year.Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-44626267324733643502016-12-26T19:11:00.000+00:002016-12-26T19:11:52.999+00:00Christian Double Standards Part 2 - My Experience<div dir="ltr">
So, this is a continuation of my previous post, as I really want to talk about my experience of Christian double standard and how it, along with all-or-nothing religious views that certain people tried to push on me have affected my daily life since leaving church.</div>
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For a year or two after becoming part of the church, I was literally love-bombed. This is a definition used to describe people who shower you with love, support and attention. This term is usually used with people with certain personality disorders, such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (Psychopaths and sociopaths) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Narcissists).<br />
Love bombing, in those contexts, is a way of manipulation, as described by Floyd (2013).</div>
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And he speaks of similar issue. Love bombing in churches. And since I was a social outcast in school, the love-bombing made me feel accepted. I felt like I belonged.</div>
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But, when I started to struggle with my mental health issues, I have begun to withdraw from people, being slightly less open to going to events, not really talking to anyone besides children as they always wanted me around.... The love-bombing went the opposite way. I felt like I had suddenly lost friends. I felt like I had lost that connection with people. And in January 2014, when I first self-harmed, and begun to struggle even more, I honestly felt like a stranger in a crowded room full of church goers I knew so well. But now, I wonder.... Did I know them? Or did I just know their facade?</div>
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The time grew steadily on, and the only real friends I felt like I had were two friends I am still close to. The rest felt artificial. Nothing about these friendships felt real. While at church from 2012-2015, a song called "Stained Glass Masquerade" rang so true with me.</div>
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But, in February 2014, when I self harmed for the first time and have admitted to my former pastor about it.... I had a loud, LOUD telling off and he wrote a Bible reference on my palm. His words "What are you doing that for?!" still ring through my ears and still haunt my nightmares. I memorised the verse out of sheer shame. The shame that still poisons every single part of my life.</div>
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I reached out to him and his wife in 2013 during the Youth Fellowship annual sponsored walk. And this is when the friendship that I've had with them grew cold. Ice cold on my former pastor's side of things anyway. He continually avoided me, and then showed some care, then avoided, then showed some care again and so on for months and months at a time. This on-off-on-off pattern was a severe trigger to my intense self harm urges and longing for a stable friendship. He had spoken with my mother about my issues while I was not present when he invited my mother over. I guess I felt really betrayed and disgusted because I felt like I couldn't confide in anyone anymore. And he himself had said "I will not discuss your mother's issues with you like I wouldn't your issues with her" a year prior when I had relationship issues with my mother due to her issues at work.</div>
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But, the double standard started to kick in around the time of my first hospitalisation in 2014, which was at the end of September.<br />
When I needed help, just in a form of listening, the people I was told to contact in crisis weren't around. And when I went to A&E, people (particularly my former pastor) was unhappy with the fact that I didn't turn to "god" for help. Um.... You've written on my covenant for me to reach out to A&E if in crisis, so I'm not sure what the problem was. </div>
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I've sent a bunch of links out to all who knew about my disorder at the time, and just one person had watched the videos I've sent after that first hospitalisation. </div>
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I got into a huge argument with my former pastor over Messenger regarding the fact that I was at A&E, when I was attempting the brink of suicide. <br />
I don't take lightly to people excusing their behaviour towards me when I know they are talking nonsense. There's absolutely no excuse for writing "you are bombarding me with lies" <br />
No excuse. For goodness sake, there's absolutely no way that you couldn't expect me to NOT react severely. Especially when I was already through the roof emotionally. </div>
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His later messages and face to face conversations, when I've asked to talk, were "I don't have time" </div>
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Thing is, he did. He only had time for people in his clique. There's nothing worse to do in a church to fellow members is to discard them like a dirty dishrag. If you happen to read this, the person in talking about, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Reevaluate yourself. I'm not naming you despite every urge to, as I don't want strangers attacking you. When I talked to people at Destiny Church when I was there about all of this, I didn't name you either. But you know who you are. I'm protecting you despite the fact that I maybe shouldn't. </div>
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Anyhow, during my second hospitalisation, I went for a day pass from hospital to attend the Girls Brigade service. My friend came to pick me up from the hospital, and I went to the service. One of the members had a beef with me because of my love for Christian Rock music, as it was my one and only thing that was keeping me somewhat sane. </div>
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During my third hospitalisation, I couldn't hold back on my reactions to things anymore. After another day pass from hospital, on a Sunday, I had a wave of anger pass over me when I went back. I was mad, for some reason. Now looking back, I think it was the being love-bombed again, when no one would talk to me a week before. And I snapped over text at my former pastor's wife, whom I was messaging. I threw my phone on my bed with incredible force because I was so angry. I couldn't hold back. I've texted my mum who then texted my former pastor. </div>
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I left church for a few months after the February, as I couldn't stand what was going on. Many members tried to get me to quit therapy because of its Mindfulness skills in it. Despite his much I needed the treatment, they wanted for me to stop therapy. So, I stopped going to church. And no one batted an eye. But if it was someone that from that popular clique, they would be texting them, calling them, messaging them, etc. </div>
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Then, through a friend, I've learned that I was gossiped about by some people from my former church. You thought that I wouldn't find out. Well, I did. Thanks for that, as I've then realised that some of you can be heartless. </div>
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A friend of mine from America whom I talked to for quite a long time, has helped me to realise that some people within the church weren't just toxic, but outright spiritually and emotionally abusive. Certain people check a majority of the boxes of emotional and spiritual abuse. Again, I'm not mentioning any names. </div>
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I, for some reason, went back to church for Christmas of 2015. And guess what, my emotions didn't take that too well. <br />
Of course, again, I was love-bombed. But that love-bombing was when I realised that is being done for some purpose. <br />
I've learned a lot about use of love-bombing and what purposes it serves over the last year. But I've left church for good in January of this year. </div>
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But, onto what effects all of this has on me. At the end of January, when I was walking up to Tesco Express in Glenrothes, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and anger because of a certain thing my therapist had texted me. I was highly emotional at the time, and I realised that I was dissociating. </div>
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Behind me, there were four, shadowy figures of my pastor and his family. Walking slowly behind me, covered in blood. I literally ran to Tesco as fast as possible. I was utterly terrified. <br />
On my way back, the same exact thing. But, they have disappeared after a while. Not for long, though, as this shadowy representation of my therapist then started to follow me. And then, it showed up in front of me, reaching out for my neck as if it was an attempt to strangle me. </div>
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Fast forward to Tuesday of following week, I was sent to A&E from college because of these hallucinatory states. <br />
Between interviews with different mental health professionals at Unscheduled Care, I was seeing figures of one of my former pastor's kids, sitting in the chair next to me, also covered in blood. <br />
It tried to do what the weird shadowy representation of my therapist tried to do, which was to strangle me. I ran to the other side of the room and sat on the floor for some time. </div>
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I was admitted to Stratheden Hospital for what was going on, and this was my longest admission to Stratheden Hospital. </div>
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The hallucinations were partially influenced by Quetiapine, which I was taking for stabilising my emotions. But, for the most part, it was due to anxiety related to church. Every time I see certain people from church, I have severe panic attacks, hallucinations and my moods shift so quickly that I struggle to keep up, when I usually do. I tend to avoid places I know I usually see people from my former church, I have severe trust issues due to toxicity of the friendships formed there. I avoid talking about church Ave religion with people because of the triggers that these conversations trail along, and I'm avoiding leaving the house as much as possible because of it all. </div>
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To be honest, when I finish OU, I'll be happy to move out of Fife and start afresh. I am discovering things about myself now that church has a huge impact in suppressing. Not to mention that my personality and my sense of self is screwed up to the point where I look in the mirror, and I don't recognise who the person in the mirror is. </div>
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I'm sorry that this is so long, I wanted to detail my experience to hopefully be able to move forward towards living without regret of being in that church for the five years I was there. </div>
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Reference list:<br />
Floyd, K (2013) "Beware of Toxic Affection" <i>Psychology Today, </i>retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/affectionado/201310/beware-toxic-affection<br />
Accessed 25/12/2016</div>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-15912621632271657332016-12-24T22:52:00.000+00:002016-12-25T10:07:45.912+00:00Christian Double Standards (at least some of them)Okay, so this is a post about how hypocritical Christians can be (specifically about those I know.) and the hypocrisy surrounding being supportive, caring, loving.... But only to those who are your family or close friends.<br />
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This post will ring true to the people I know and is there to call them out on the double standard that is their "Christian" faith and good "Christian" deeds.<br />
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So, today my friend posted about struggling to keep everything up for Christmas. She is currently struggling to juggle things as she is a single mother. I don't want to quote what she said word for word, but her struggle to deal with her young baby, making sure everything is ready for Christmas, etc was getting slightly too much.<br />
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And, there was a comment left by one of my former "friends" from the church I used to go to that my friend is a member of. This comment basically has said "I'll be praying for you" in a long, what my mum would call "beat around the bush" talk. Nothing concrete, nothing particularly useful... Nothing particularly supportive. Just telling her about the faith she has, and that she'll be praying for her.<br />
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You might be thinking "Where is the double standard? There's nothing wrong here"<br />
You are wrong. I know people from this church, and I've posted about them before, and the double standard is that if it was someone that was part of their clique, they'd be there to help in a heartbeat. But because my friend is a bit of an outsider, like I and many others have been, they are left to deal with things themselves when they REALLY need help in that moment. I was personally affected by this double standard, and am able to tell you that their double standard nearly led me to suicide, and led to self harm every Sunday or every time I was at church for a youth activity.<br />
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Double standards are everywhere, but the one place where it should not exist is a church. Especially when there are multiple religious teachings on the subject of being there for their fellow Christians.<br />
One of my friends who has recently became baptised in another church my mother is a part of had gently and kindly told the congregation about the double standard in her testimony, as my mother picked up on it quickly because of my experience.<br />
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Double standards in religious circles shouldn't exist. Cliques shouldn't exist. And yet, they do in this church. Why is this? I understand that people want to have friends and be close to them, but to have such close knit groups that people outside of them become discarded is disgusting and destructive. I'm just disgusted by my former church's attitude to people. I know it is Christmas, but this goes on all year round, and is one of the reasons that I've left church. Cliques in churches is NOT okay, no matter how much people try to defend it. It is NOT okay to be showering some people with all the attention and support possible, and exclude people who aren't part of the clique.<br />
So much for the "Body of Christ" you so richly like to talk about. Perhaps your motto should really be "Body of Christ Except for People Who Are Not Part Of My Clique" sounds so much more apt. <br />
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I'm sorry for this rant. I've wanted to talk about this so much for the past year.Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-74185252437483752952016-12-22T10:15:00.001+00:002016-12-22T10:15:23.155+00:00Season of Joyless Emptiness<p dir="ltr">It's this time of year again, and every year is the same. This time of year never changes direction, only a few things change quietly and return to their original form only a few days or hours into Christmas time. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Stuck in patterns of destruction, there is something that does bring joy... Giving. People point out in too kind and too generous. But.... Having not had that kindness or compassion or generosity growing up, I now try to make people as happy as I can. It doesn't feel excessive or like it's too much. It brings me much needed real joy, and not superficial, empty joy that does not fulfill my heart's and my mind's craving for one day without any sort of mental health problems. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The story of how I got to living through another year and making it through the terrifying twists and turns is long and hard to tell without crying, flipping out of of hearing the term NHS, crying again, wanting to punch walls out of relentless emotional drain, crying again, and throwing my hopes and dreams away at the first sight of failure. Not to mention all that nagging shame and guilt because of the tiniest of mistakes. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Being in a prisoner of my own head, at mercy of the little things turning into crisis, it's an exhaustively destructive life. While things have been getting better steadily, this time of year... Is heavy going. So much has happened at this time of year throughout life that joy and looking forward to it just doesn't happen anymore. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I wonder what 2017 will be like. That, is the only hope dragging me along through Christmas and New Year. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-60313044288074010772016-12-18T01:04:00.002+00:002016-12-18T01:04:41.012+00:00Escaping Religious Manipulation <div dir="ltr">
I acknowledge that many reading this blog may be religious. Please understand that my views are completely based on my experience. I know that there will be backlash for this, and I fully accept that. </div>
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So, as you know and gathered from my previous posts, I struggle with BPD, Complex PTSD and Bipolar traits. And to say that church made these things reveal themselves quickly is an understatement. I began struggling with mental health issues back in 2012. <br />
Many people didn't believe that I was emotionally manipulated and abused by my mother for years. I began speaking up about the struggle and many thought I was lying. <br />
I had a good friend of mine tell me right upfront "I don't believe that." </div>
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So, I began to hide my pain from everybody apart from a few people. And then even from them, because that's war no reasons for them to have to listen to it all. </div>
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And in February 2014, I searched for support as I had cut for the first time. I didn't know that I would get stuck am intense reaction from my former pastor. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?! STOP THAT!" and he wrote a Bible reference on my grand to memorise for the next time I would see him. Fair to say I cried on my way home that afternoon. And memorised the verse purely out of shame. And it was effective in a way, as until late summer, I didn't cut. Out of shame too. A few weeks later I confessed to then Elder and his wife about what went down that day and a week later my former pastor apologised. Gosh, even recalling this is making me cry. <br />
Months went on and I first reached out to my mum about my issues. Who, of course blamed my then diagnosed depression on not wanting to do anything around the house, and made remarks here and there about it. I've never told her about church's effects on me and their behaviour. I didn't tell her about being suicidal or about my self harm. </div>
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In July, I reached out for help via A&E (Accident and Emergency for non British people reading this, it is the same as the Emergency Room) and was meeting up with this lady from Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) and during the summer, I volunteered at a Scripture Union camp. I stayed in my room a lot during times in between sessions, activities and meals. And never went to the ceilidh at the end either. I was emotional 24/7. Though I put my heart and soul into teaching and enjoying time with my group of campers, I was using free time as means of self regulation. I had to have a conversation with one of the main leaders, who bluntly told me to stay away from campus until I am stable. Which was fair enough in one sense, and in another, not completely fair considering no one in the team really bothered with me. They just saw the person that wouldn't go to evening prayers after lights out (I would be asleep by 9:30pm out of emotional exhaustion.)</div>
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I could handle that. Stepping back from that, in June, I was at LeadUP Christian leadership training camp. </div>
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<br />
I was openly sharing my struggle and asking for prayer. Including emotional manipulation from the church. And two leaders told me to not talk about it. It was as if they were afraid of something. <br />
So, I began isolating during free time and spent an ungodly amount of time on the swing, texting my CAMHS therapist, or in the dining room on my own, or on my bed writing stories and songs, walking around on my own, and cried a lot because of being forced into silence when I needed support. Didn't stop me from talking about it in the dorm, but during the day, I was isolating, and depression hit during the day a lot. I faked being happy for the sake of keeping peace. I felt alone, like none of the leaders really understood what I was struggling with and none of them would listen until I became vocal about what was going on back home for me. It is like they wanted to cover my church's manipulative tracks.<br />
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At the end of July through to beginning of August, I was a leader at an SU camp. I struggled immensely with my emotions, but at the time, I was struggling with depression side of Bipolar. I spent a lot of free time in my dorm that I shared with a few other female leaders. When it came to nighttime, I was asleep by 9:30-10pm. I was exhausted. I think that of emotional overwhelm became too much for me to handle. However, I tried to be there for teens who had similar issues.<br />By the end of the camp, main leader took me aside and said that I should stay away from leadership until I am "well again" (same thing that a college tutor had said in February, but that is another story all together.)<br /><br />By the time I started college, things really blew up. End of August until November were hell. Not just became of my moods shifting more rapidly than the Scottish weather in springtime, but because church has become distant, then suddenly love-bomb and attention, distant, love-bomb. Especially my former pastor and his wife. The push and pull became very hard to deal with.<br />I remember that one time when I was particularly struggling with my relationship with my mother. We've been at odds with each other at that time, but I didn't know why. I still don't.<br />That day, I was invited to go to this laser tag event with my church friends. I didn't have any money on me, so I went home to get some and got out quickly to avoid my mother. I got to the place where I was told someone would be waiting to let me in, as I would be a bit late. No one was waiting. I texted about 5 people to tell them I was there. Nothing. So, I went home disheartened and.... Quite suicidal. And I posted about that feeling. I didn't answer anyone on the post. But, my former pastor had tried to call, but I full out ignored it. I didn't want to talk. He then called my mother and left her a message. And from then on, my mum knew how bad things were getting.<br /><br />
Following Tuesday, I went to meet with him and his wife to talk about things. From that point on, I was caught up in a covenant. A covenant I had no idea of how long I would be able to keep, because I had no coping skills like I do now. Rather, my "coping skills" were to be read and journal on Bible verses, reach out to my Home Bible Fellowship, talk to them if I cannot reach anyone from HBF, in worst case scenario, go to A&E. And to be honest, the first week of the covenant went fine, and then ended up in hospital. But, funny thing was, some saw this as me failing at keeping up with the covenant that was supposed to help me heal. And they told me that. Which felt incredibly disheartening. I did a lot of that spiritual journaling in hospital for the few days I was in. But, then more I deconstructed the verses that I was recommended, read them in context and realised that they had no relevance to my struggles at all. Just the verse I had learned out of shame made no sense with my emotional struggles, self harm, suicidal behaviour (which exploded by the point of hospitalisation.)<br /><br />I don't want to go into detail of what happened when I was at A&E in October 2014, as this has thrown me over the edge WHILE there. But, it became obvious to not just me, but to my mother and a few college friends that the church's pastor was all about me keeping up with the religious rituals and beliefs, not the fact that I was on the brink of suicide, me sitting and crying at A&E, self harming... Instead, it was all about the covenant, I could not keep up with religious stuff at that point. I was broken, and kept on breaking through lack of meaningful friendships, but superficial Christian "friends" who just cared about my life with "God" than my constant anaemic state, my constant suicidal urges and attempts, the little hope I had to keep going, crying myself to sleep every night, nightmares, paranoia, delusions of being sure that I was being followed.... People just cared about my walk and life with God. Which was even more invalidating. My emotions and feelings were invalidated a lot of times, but one I recall was in a Facebook message that had said something along the lines of not letting emotions having power over me, but letting God do it. I don't remember, and my old profile is now deactivated because of triggering reminders. But, I became the church's emotional healing guinea pig, and it was not nice. These kinds of messages were repeated to my face as well. And, imagine being in a crowded room, of people you thought of as friends. But only one or two really try to get to know you and who you are. In a crowded room, to feel alone and like no one understands. Being in a crowded room, but alone.<br /><br />As I have started therapy, one thing that threw me over the edge that was the trigger for me leaving was a few devout Christians telling me what to do. "Quit that therapy, it has mindfulness in it. It's not Christian" "Stop listening to Christian rock music." as well as giving me really dirty looks when leaving the service to deal with my crisis by going to the bathroom to practice my DBT Skills. <br />Also, I was made aware of people spreading rumours about me when I left for a month or two. <br />But now that I am out of it for good, with no intentions of going back, the hell continues. Certain people are always in my nightmares, in PTSD flashbacks that are like hallucinations and have caused serious danger to my life and I have ended up in hospital in January because of this.<br />
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If you are reading this and you find that you have a similar situation, reach out. Talk to someone from the leadership. Talk to friends. Change the church. Leave church if that is what needs to happen. Or just take a short break from it. If this is what's happening, I also suggest finding a counsellor to talk about this with, as the damage could be long lasting if it is left without dealing with it.<br />Important thing is to reach out and either talk to leadership, change or leave the church.<br />I wish someone told me about the warning signs earlier so that I would've left before the major damage was done. Now, I am rebuilding my life, my thinking, my emotions, my sense of self, my personality and my identity without church and the Bible, which is really difficult because of how much faith changed me for the worse.<br /></div>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-59576131076931043212016-12-17T00:49:00.001+00:002017-01-31T16:31:13.119+00:00Day Inside My Head <p dir="ltr">There he is... I see him, smiling weirdly. I glue my eyes to my phone in a successful attempt for him to not talk to me. The anxiety builds and blows when he is out of sight. Panic attack. My breathing is shallow and fast, with my heart's racing faster than cars speeding down the road. I feel the chill of cold sweat running down my back. I put an empowering song on in hopes of getting through this single moment. </p>
<p dir="ltr">But, the song is far from helpful. As I get on the bus to my dance class, and sit down in the cold, comfy leather seat of the coach bus, I can feel my mind not getting any rest. Conflicting thoughts of emotion and logic fighting between each other, clawing at each other like cats in a fight, nothing seems to drown out the screaming in my head. </p>
<p dir="ltr">As the bus starts and we roll out of Glenrothes after a short while, there's something vague running along the bus. This is all too familiar. The creepy boy with a brick in his hand is chasing the bus next to my window. The dread settles in. The fire of anxiety rises again. The battle in my head becomes unbearable. Help me, help me. Someone help me. I'm begging to die in my head. My eyes dart around the bus, making sure that no one is watching me. My breathing is fast again, the beating of my heart is quickening and in unable to stop thinking about that brick flying into my head. I need to get out. But, being in the middle of nowhere, there's no escape. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Dissociation, higher than ever. I remember nothing from dancing. I remember nothing from therapy sessions. I remember nothing from talking to friends. Hell, I don't even know where I am right now. Memories are fragmented. My personality is a mess. dissociation, when will I see the last of you? </p>
<p dir="ltr">Dear anxiety, dear PTSD hallucinations, please leave me alone. I want one day to be free. Leave me be. I'm begging, please, just one day.<br>
I'm sick of battles in my head, I need to escape. While in not giving up yet, my mind runs off into wonder: how long can I possibly take this?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I need time. I need peace. I need quietness in my head. Not the roaring thoughts that never end. Not the fears. Not my anxiety about seeing things that cause mortal danger. Not my mood dysregulation. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Another late night. Sleep does not befall my eyes until early hours of the morning. Nightmares, I need rest. Not to wake up to nightmares, cold sweats, strongly beating heart and restless nights. <br>
Watching my dark ceiling I know, it's not forever. But, questions arise. "Are you sure", "What if it is forever" and "You're doomed to this forever" </p>
<p dir="ltr">I question if I should eat that thing beside me. I don't know if I should be eating anything at all. Punish myself for the things going on in my head, while covering it up with IBS issues. <br>
"I'll feel ill. Best not to eat that" is my mind's way of saying" Don't eat. You can't deal with me any other way" and "Don't eat. You're a horrible person for eating more than what you usually eat"</p>
<p dir="ltr">Endless battles, endless struggles, endless pain and endless strain. One day, I beg, just one day, of peace, quiet and joy.  No fear. No anxiety. No distress. No intense emotions. No chaos of conflicting thoughts in my head. Just one day. Or just one hour, that will be more than enough. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-5156579746600242032016-03-25T20:24:00.002+00:002016-11-03T15:54:55.421+00:00A Horror Tale Come True <p dir="ltr">So, it was End of January. I was anxious and angry, as college work for a course I really couldn't cope with due to my inability to do technical drawing, and I had a strong anger reaction to my therapist's text.....<br>
It was the month to experience a rash of horrifying hallucinations. Absolutely horrifying.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I was walking up towards Tesco Express to buy something on January 23rd. I was in deep state of dissociation because of what happened the day before with college anxieties and how badly I took what my therapist had said to me via text. I walked towards Tesco when I turned around to see horror film ghosts of my former pastor and his family. They were following me. That is when my dissociation stopped and I realised that something was going on. They were not far away, and each of them looked more eerie than the other.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Nightmare from spring continues but I won't give up on anything. I will push through, and I will one day work as a therapist to help others with similar experiences. </p>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-41404202285313617412015-11-14T17:52:00.000+00:002015-11-16T18:05:31.385+00:00A Compassionate View On Bullying & Why I Think It's ImportantIn this blog post, I want to cover the following topic:<br />
1. A Compassionate View Of The Victim<br />
2. A Compassionate View Of The Bully<br />
3. When The Victim/Victim's Friends/Family/Strangers Become The Bullies and The Bully Becomes The Victim<br />
4. Finding The Middle Path Between Bully and Victim (Without picking sides)<br />
5. DBT Skills In School: In Bullying Scenarios<br />
6. In-School Therapy Session with Bully & Victim In The Same Room: Why I Think It's Important<br />
7. My Experience and Why I Think Compassion & Reinforcement of Positive Behaviour Is The Way To Go.<br />
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1.) Compassionate View Of The Victim:<br />
Your child, friend or student is being bullied. It is difficult to not feel compassion for the victim. Bullying is difficult and painful on the victim. It drains life out of the victim. They suffer at the hands of one of their peers or even siblings or parents. Their life is consumed by bullying like burning inferno. The bullying is hard for everyone on the victim's side, including friends and family. The victim's life begins to feel worthless and hopeless. And often times. schools do not help at all. I was bullied and school did not do anything to help. The victim feels scared and insecure. Life begins to take a downward spiral. Suffering overtakes their lives. According to recent studies, people who have been bullied as children are at higher risk of developing depression later on in life. But, not in all cases. They could develop other disorders too. Life is difficult when you're a victim of bullying.<br />
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2.) Compassionate View Of The Bully:<br />
Many people will most likely hate me for being compassionate towards the bullies. "They deserve no compassion!" "They deserve to be ignored!" "They are spoiled, ignorant brats!" (Some comments I have seen in many mental health groups on Facebook.) But.... Is ignoring them effective? These people might have a difficult home environment. The environment might be invalidating. It might be abusive (either towards the bully or to others at home.) It might be a financially difficult environment. It might be distressing. The person in that environment becomes the product of the environment. The bully learns these behaviours from parents.... Or siblings. The environment around the bully increases chances of the child becoming a bully. Also, when speaking of the financially difficulty in the family, the child might not have everything brand new for the new school year. Their clothes might be old. The clothes might be without a brand. And in school, looking cool and having brand names is the social norm sometimes. And the bully is jealous of all the things the victim has that they with they could have because of financial struggles in the family. Many times, the bullies might be in groups, and there is peer pressure to bully from the group. In order to fit in, the bully will do it to feel safe and secure in the group. The bullies are often times insecure, or have not learned that there are different people in society. And anything from the social norms, the victim might be bullied based on the bullies view of social norm. So anything from race, to religion, to disability or even mental illness issues. Some bullies have a big ego, but in my perspective, they built it up to hide the inner brokenness. My dance instructor has told me and a my friends what happened when she went to teach at a school for one PE period. There was a tough girl, who acted like she was better than everyone else and did not need to try, But after the dance instructor's helper took the girl aside after a while, the girl broke down in the corridor. Toughness does not constitute emotional strength. Many bullies are the same. Act tough, but inside they are falling apart.<br />
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3) When The Victim And Their Friends and Family And Strangers Become Bullies and The Bully Becomes The Victim.<br />
Already touched on that in the previous segment. But when the victim has enough (and rightly so), they, their families, friends and even strangers on Facebook groups often start a bullying crusade. They are human beings, they have emotions too. And since many come from broken and abusive backgrounds, they feel even more broken. In this situation, roles are reversed. And the bully is the one who feels the damage. Sometimes, the bully will strike back and the cycle goes back and forth. But sometimes, they will retreat. And when they retreat, the crusade does not stop. The shaming, guilt tripping and blaming and intimidation tactics I have seen used by family, the victim, friends, and strangers. And when the bully does not retreat, the cycle goes around. And it hurts everyone in the process.<br />
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4.) Finding The Middle Ground Between The Bully And The Victim Without Choosing Sides:<br />
We're going into the deep and difficult territory here. Finding the middle path between the victim and the bully without choosing sides is difficult. Because we want to side with the victim. Of course we do! But, invalidating the bully can cause further damage to them, and cause bullying to escalate because everybody is ganging up on him/her. Often times, we don't want to listen to both sides, just the victim's side. So, what I think would be best to do is listen to each side of story separately, and then bring the two sides together (into the same room) and for them to listen to one another. Difficult, I know. But more often than not, two sides never hear each other out. Ever. Adults in the school situation just talk to them separately, and often just tell the person that is bullying to stop. But, the person does not often know how the other feels, and it continues. Raw emotions need to be expressed face to face. Not away from each another. How is the bully ever going to understand what the victim's feeling when the teacher is just saying for them to stop because it hurts the other? Which leads me onto my next point...<br />
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5.) DBT Skills in School: Bullying<br />
I believe that there are many Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) Skills that people in the bullying situations can use. Most of the skills I list are effective across the board. There will be few that are specific to the person, and I will list them after I list hose that go across the board.<br />
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For everyone involved:<br />
Mindfulness Of Others<br />
DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST<br />
Dialectics<br />
Validation<br />
Recovering from Invalidation<br />
Self Validation<br />
Self Soothe<br />
Act Opposite To Emotion - and figuring out when to do that<br />
TIP<br />
Mindfulness Of Current Emotion<br />
Mindfulness Of Current Thoughts<br />
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For Bullies and Victims:<br />
Observing and Describing Emotions<br />
What Emotions Are Doing For Me<br />
Changing Unwanted Emotions<br />
Crisis Survival Skills - yes, all of them<br />
Ending Relationships - if needs be<br />
Values and Priorities List<br />
Build Mastery and Cope Ahead<br />
Accumulating Positive Emotion<br />
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Teachers:<br />
Changing Behaviour with Reinforcement<br />
Changing Behaviour by Extinguishing or Punishing It.<br />
Problem Solving<br />
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6.) In-School Therapy Session with Bully & Victim In The Same Room: Why I Think It's Important.<br />
I believe that having both (or more) in at the same time will increase chances of positive relationship building. I believe having both (or more) in at the same time will help them to get to know one another, get to know about what goes on in their lives, and working on interpersonal effectiveness in this way will help a lot more, in my opinion. Because having separate sessions with all of them will not reinforce positive relationship building. There WILL be squabbles between both parties at the beginning and the behaviour might continue for some time. But, as they get to know one another and their personal perspectives, learn how to validate each other's and their own perspective, and find middle ground in their perspectives.... Positive establishment of a relationship might happen. If not, I believe that ending the relationship peacefully after a lot of sessions would be the best way forward. Because if we know that they'll never get on, it will make more sense to end the relationship on a positive note than to try to build a non-existent relationship.<br />
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7.) My Experience & Why I Think Compassion & Reinforcement of Positive Behaviour Is The Way To Go.<br />
I was bullied from a very young age. Truth is, when I was a child, I was quite antisocial. But, as I grew older, I have grown out of it and became sociable and wanting to help others (which I still do with all of my heart.) I had people call me names. I had people laugh at me standing up for other people. I had people hitting me with wooden planks while I was learning to roller-skate. I had people pick on me for having second-hand clothes. I had people pick on me for having a dysfunctional family. I had people pick on me when I visited my home country for holidays, and talking with their English teacher with fluidity and ease. They did not like that. I am Polish and live in the UK.<br />
I had people wait for to beat me up after school. A person hit me in the head after asking for my pencil back in Primary 7. And a lot more. Over time though, as one of my bullies was an on-off friend. I went to her house a couple of times, and the family was broken too. And now, as I work through BPD, PTSD and Bipolar traits, I feel nothing but compassion for my bullies. Nothing but compassion. And I believe that things could have been different if positive behaviours were taught and reinforced when bullying was reported. But, nothing apart from "don't do it again" happened. And I believe that a Compassionate & a positive behaviour reinforcing environment is the way forward. No blaming, no shaming, no guilt-tripping and no bullying back. Everyone needs to have a compassionate heart for the other person in bullying situations, and learning positive behaviours and extinguishing old, cruel and hurtful behaviours will bring about the most positive change in the lives of the bullies & their victims.<br />
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<br />Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-39921367245970482172015-10-10T22:40:00.000+01:002015-10-10T22:40:58.263+01:00BPD Stigma and Shame Based Identity<a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mental-health-day/"><img alt="I blog for World Mental Health Day" src="http://g.psychcentral.com/mental-health-day-badge-h-180-100.jpg" height="100" style="border: 1px solid #ccc;" width="180" /></a><br />
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You're manipulative.<br />
You're a liar<br />
You're overreacting.<br />
You're doing this for attention.<br />
You should be locked away in a psych ward.<br />
You're a psycho.<br />
You're a danger to society.<br />
You'll never get better.<br />
You're faking your illness.<br />
You are at root of your problems.<br />
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All of these judgments and stigma. All of the shame. All of the guilt. All of the blame. We're always at root of our problems, the society says. But... Is it true? No.<br />
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We live in culture where church says one thing, other religious groups say the other, the psychologists and psychiatrists say something else, the anti psychology and psychiatry people say the other. It makes it easy for us, the suffering, to put the blame on ourselves because the society - and sadly, for many of us, closest friends and family- says it is all your fault. You are the cause of the problems in your life....<br />
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But in reality, we're not the problem. We have a very invalidating environment, now and growing up. We are emotionally sensitive. We react a lot more sensitively to things and we can react to a small thing. The world cannot blame us for what we've been through. On the other side of the coin, we are often seen as the problem by friends and family. And that needs to be validated as they are thinking we're crazy, loopy, and off our heads because of the illness we have. Because they don't suffer from it but with us, they can say we're the problem because it is unusual behaviour to them.<br /><br />To address the stigma surrounding BPD..... We are not manipulative. We can come across this way, but in reality, we are working with what we have in the moment. If abandonment is apparent to us, imagined or real, we might turn to self harm and suicide threats or behaviours or other things to get people back in our lives to help us regulate ourselves. That might come across as manipulative, but in reality, we have not got the interpersonal skills to not act like this. We're not faking our illness to get sympathy, love or attention. It is very real to us. Very real indeed. The suffering is beyond us. World, please understand that we cannot fake intense emotions, we cannot fake feeling suicidal, we cannot fake our anger and we cannot regulate ourselves in effective ways. We understand that you feel like we are because you believe we want attention.... And it's true. We need attention because we need help and we might be asking for it in ways that seem dramatic or over the top. But, with our emotional life, we find it hard to not express our emotions intensely because they are intense on the inside of us, burning us from within. Marsha Linehan had at one point compared people with BPD to third degree burn victims, saying "People with BPD are like people with third-degree burns over 90% of the body. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at slightest touch or movement"<br />We, as people with BPD would like for the world to understand that we don't want to hurt you intentionally or even manipulate you. We love people in our lives, but when our emotional burns are touched, we will have intense reactions. Quick, intense and often impulsive reactions.<br />
We don't want to lie to you. Ever. I don't know why people get the impression that we lie to them. We have emotional reactions that are intense. Overwhelming. And when we tell you what we're feeling of what we are thinking, please, don't think that we're lying. Again, refer to what I said previously about our reactions being different and unusual to you. We know you feel the way you do about us because our behaviours are unusual or "not normal." Believe us, we want to be normal.<br />
We are not dangerous. Just because there are media portrayals of us that are horribly negative, and there have been people with BPD in prison for murder, assault etc. But, not all of us are like that. Not even most of us. Not even a half of us. Not even a quarter of us. We know we've had a bad portrayal in the media and you often think we're dangerous, but we're not. We're nit psychos or we don't have to be locked away. With he right kind of treatment, support from professionals and support and love from people in our lives, we can have a normal life with healthy relationships, managing our lives effectively and do what we dream. or do something beyond our wildest dreams. We have a chance in this world like you do. We know you fear for our safety and your own because of anger, suicidal attempts or threats or self injury. But we can get through it and live our lives to the fullest.<br />We do get better. With the right treatment, and support, we're in remission after ten years. But improvement starts with treatment. As long as we're willing to work on our problems and solving them. As long as we have a mind set on the goal of getting better (there will be slip ups along the way, and I experienced them many times over in the last nearly 11 months of DBT) we can get through it. We can do it.<br /><br />All of the stigma, and our past experiences of invalidation can lead us down feeling shame-filled all the time. We never dare to pursue what we dream because we feel shame. We developed a personality that is often self-critical, self-shaming, self-blaming and placing all guilt upon ourselves. We've learned from our environment to do so. And it gets in our way of living to the fullest, expressing ourselves, talking about our problems, standing up to people etc. It's called a shame based identity/personality. We always feel shame. Always. We never have a real break from it. We cannot express ourselves because we feel shame. I struggle with this a lot, and my awesome therapist and my great friend have recently pointed it out to me. I never thought of my self-criticism as damaging. Until maybe in the last 11 months or so. We never say what's on our minds because of the fear of shame, which feeds our cycle of self-criticism.<br />But we can break free from all of it and we can live to the fullest, express with confidence and be who we want to be. Takes work, dedication, time and effort. So, let's work on improving one step at a time and build the lives worth living!Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2239832517768054326.post-62567583745560226522015-10-10T21:33:00.002+01:002015-10-10T21:43:33.835+01:00BPD - From Inside and Out<a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mental-health-day/"><img alt="I blog for World Mental Health Day" src="http://g.psychcentral.com/mental-health-day-badge-h-180-100.jpg" height="100" style="border: 1px solid #ccc;" width="180" /></a>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">It's been a year since I have gotten my diagnosis. But I also struggle with Bipolar (of which type is unknown,) and C-PTSD. Many people see BPD sufferers as violent, unreliable, deceitful, liars, manipulative and so much more. They are people from the outside looking in.... But what's it like to be from the inside looking out?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">It's a view of the world that is totally different. A little skewed sometimes. You might look at me, and your face will scare me. There have been times that I wanted to get off public transportation because of a person's face terrifying me. There are a lot of reasons people with BPD have such strong reactions to other people. But the one major player is trauma. I went through a horrific experience at the age of 12. And now, males from that ethnic group can cause panic attacks, suicidal urges or urges to self harm. The world can terrify us. We have such intense reactions to the world around us. In positive and negative ways.</span><br />
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Trauma leads onto suicidal and self harming behaviours in our lives. But, not necessarily. I used (sometimes still use_ self harm as means to get through highly intense emotions and emotionally demanding situations. Or as a way to deal with people's abandonment. We have a difficulty controlling out emotions because of how quickly our moods shift, what triggers us, what is happening around us, we don't have the right skills to manage and regulate emotions and crises and we often have a biological and genetics based predisposition for emotional dysregulation. In our eyes, suicide is a way out of all the pain we're experiencing. It would be an ultimate, needed escape from the suffering we;re undergoing on daily basis. We're scared to live with ourselves. We hate ourselves, in most cases. We hate and are scared of what is going on inside of us. Everything about our lives is a dark, gaping wound. This gaping wound grows as time goes on. We believe families and friends would be better off without us, as we see what we put them through or what they come to believe about us after reading about the condition on the Internet.</div>
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Our dissociation and paranoid thinking is a way to deal with the things that are going on. My BPD has dissociative personality traits. It isn't something we do intentionally to ignore you, reject what you're saying or any other negative thing you might think. Our minds disconnect, our minds want to drown out the highly distressing and emotional experience that is happening. Our dissociation might cause us to lose memory of what happened in the last 30 minutes, an hour or even a day. We might suffer from different dissociative problems; feeling like we're not real (depersonalisation), feeling like nothing is real around us (derealisation), both at the same time (I'll explain my experience of it in a minute,) Dissociative Amnesia (where you can't remember particular times of our lives or our day, even struggle to remember important personal information,) and other dissociative experiences. Depersonalisation and derealisation aspects for me were feeling like I am a ghost, floating through the streets and at the same time, the world around me feeling like a series of paintings/overly edited photos. And I am terrified when it happens. It is a scary. </div>
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My impulsive behaviours are I guess more subtle than what other sufferer's deal with. I am on the more eating disturbance side of impulsiveness. During emotionally difficult times, I'll eat and eat and eat. But the flip side of the coin is that I might not eat anything at all in a day or very,very little. It is on impulse to distract from emotions and thoughts. I also run across roads during peak hours to distract from emotions. These behaviours are becoming more under control thanks to DBT. However, other sufferer's seek hat distraction via sex, drug addictions, driving cars really fast and others. </div>
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The impulsive behaviours are there to help us deal with emptiness also. I feel empty all the time. Nothing satisfies the emptiness. It's like pieces of the puzzle are missing and the void is never filled or satisfied. We feel so empty, so hollow on the inside that it leads us onto suicidal and self harming paths. </div>
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The emptiness could be the result of our identity disturbance. We have no idea of who we are. We might feel like we don't belong in the world because of how different we are to others. We have no sense our future, our present is filled with suffering, emptiness and intense relationships that the future feels so far away and we often change our courses, our jobs or our schools. We could quit courses and jobs on impulse, because we haven't found our place in the world. We often feel like outsiders, looking in on the world and seeing it through a completely different set of eyes. Our identities are completely lost. Because of the trauma we experienced, it affected our view of ourselves. Which is often filled with shame, guilt, sadness and despair.<br />
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Our moods change can change in a blink of an eye. We are never stable. We never have a day when we have a stable, middle ground mood. It's always up and down, intensely. Our emotions are more intense than other people's. Our reactions to things are intense and volatile. Relationships suffer because of these quickly changing, intense moods that are a result of biological and genetic reasons, and our environment. Marsha Linehan came up with a Biosocial theory for emotional dysregulation, which can be found in her DBT worksheets book as well as the training manual. Regardless, it is not biology or genetics, but also our invalidating environment, growing up and possibly now. Our anger is intense, and often our of control. We might get angry at the little things and ruminate about them for hours or days or even months. We have an easily explosive anger that can ruin relationships, friendships or ourselves. As anger was my leading cause of self harm in my life. But anger that was expressed inwardly, rather than outwardly most of the time. This is known as a Quiet Borderline. Where we internalise all of our behaviours and not outwardly express them. </div>
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Relationships are on the black and white, all or nothing, good or bad, love and hate seesaw. They go between one side to the other. It's often called splitting. We might love you one moment, absolutely hate your guts the next. It is because of our intense emotional life, behind which lurks pain and memories from the past. But because of that past, when we were abandoned by our caregivers, we don't want people to leave us. The phrase "I hate you, don't ever leave me" very much fits most of us. Where we want for people to leave us alone, but we don;t want them to leave us at the same time. And when we feel abandonment, real or imagined, we experience intense emotions and react in ways that people might see as manipulative. Kiera Van Gelder had said in the documentary "Back From The Edge - Borderline Personality Disorder" was "Manipulation assumes that the person has the skills to think about and then execute a plan. Manipulation in that sense I don't think can be applied to people with BPD because it is all about immediate reactions and desperately trying to get something to feel secure, safe and okay again." In the same video, Marsha Linehan says "Manipulation is when you consciously try to get someone to do something for you without them knowing you actually got them to do it. These individuals (BPD sufferers) very rarely have the interpersonal skills to figure our how to get you to do things in an unobtrusive way."<br />
I want for everyone to understand this. We are not manipulative. We might come across as that, but in reality, we are fighting desperately to feel okay. We want to feel better. And a way to do it is having the person we cling to most around us. When abandonment is perceived as real or imagined, we try to do what we can for you to not leave us. I remember when I was in church, I had two friends whom I trusted. And when I felt abandoned for a long time by one of them, I'd desperately try to be around them at all cost. I was desperate enough to send messages on Facebook constantly, to make sure they were still there. And often around those same times, I'd feel suicidal and I would express that. Not in a manipulative, but "help me, I am suffering!" way. But it could have come across as manipulative to share that just for them to stay. That was never my intention. But other sufferers go to great lengths to avoid abandonment. We are so sensitive to rejection and abandonment. For other people to leave a relationship healthily is the end of it. But for us, the suffering from the feeling of abandonment continues after a friend/relationship ends. </div>
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I wanted to write this to help people who live with/are friends with/have a relationship/have a family member or just for people who have seen a terrible portrayal of BPD in the media. To help you to understand what it is like to live with BPD on daily basis.<br />
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And a message to those who suffer from it:<br />
It gets better. With the right therapy, medication and support, you can make it. I am nearly eleven months into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Due to crises, I am gonna be in the treatment for a longer period of time. But it gets better with the skills I practice, with an amazingly supportive therapist, with a great psychiatrist and with the support of a few close friends, I am fighting through. Everyone of us struggling with BPD and/or Bipolar can make it through and live a normal life. I want to be a counselling psychologist in the future, as I want to help others power through suffering and with my understanding of emotional suffering, I can help others who feel like there's no hope for them. And there is. The truth is, there is always hope. And if we grasp the opportunities to heal with every last bit of will, strength and ability, we can make it through. And that goes for anyone suffering with any illness. I use my experiences to help others on Facebook in the support groups. And my life is enriched by helping others. So, go for it! Seek out to get better and you will! Takes time and work, but you can do it!</div>
Nutellia12http://www.blogger.com/profile/13023043951949916492noreply@blogger.com4